Written by Tayla Young
Just two years ago, I was a naïve 19-year-old who thought I knew everything– your typical head-over-heels, mind-in-the-clouds sophomore in college who was experiencing my first serious relationship. As an optimist, hopeless romantic, and a girl who thought she had her standards for men all mapped out, I knew that this was the guy for me and quite possibly, the guy I’d spend forever with.
Months in, after the honeymoon phase fizzled away, I saw a different side of him. He made me feel bad for being myself, wanted more from me than he was willing to give, didn’t support me or my dreams, and made me feel guilty for being happy outside of the relationship.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I realized this person was more important to me than I was to myself, but once we broke up, things became so much clearer. The worst part? I was more torn about breaking up with him than he was.
We’ve all been there, right? Selflessly giving ourselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate us. It sounds ridiculous now, but I felt exhausted and alone, as if my 19-year-old life was over. I was dating someone who half-loved and half-respected me, two things that I was taught was never okay. My parents, who’ve been married for 23 years, were high school sweethearts and the perfect example of true love. So how did I fall so far off course?
I knew then that I had two options: cry over spilled milk or begin to put the pieces of my life back together. I chose the latter.
I realized that a person who truly loves themselves won’t tolerate toxic people treating them poorly and loving them less than they deserve. Through this failed relationship, filled with infidelity, disrespect, and more downs than ups, I was taught so much about how to love myself.
The greatest and most important thing any of us can do in life is to love ourselves; yet, many of us never even try. If you need help getting there, don’t worry. Here are 3 ways to start building your self-love now:
- Let go of the past and all the negativity in your life.
If you’re like the old me, you tend to hold on to things for a long time. Imagine walking miles and miles with a backpack filled with stones. Not so ideal, right? Our past hurt, expectations, and mistakes can oftentimes weigh us down. “Why did I make this decision?” “Why wasn’t I thinking when I…?” By holding on to the things of the past and what happened, you’re missing what is happening now. In order for you to make space for your blessings to come and allow your mind and soul to heal and open itself up to love, you must also let go of all negativity in your life. Get rid of the people who don’t love you, just as I did. I had to remind myself that love is an action, not just a word. He said he loved me but did he always make time for me? No. Did he respect, uplift and support me? Nope. Don’t waste time making space for those who don’t recognize how amazing you are.
- Spend some time alone.
Beyoncé said it best: – “Me, myself and I, that’s all I got in the end.” Think of it this way: self-love requires time with self. This is time to relax, time to explore and time to expand your interests. Try something new. Visit a new place. Learn a new language. Find a hobby or indulge yourself in what previously set your soul on fire. Yes, these are all things you can do with friends– and if you’re the type that hates to be alone, this can be a challenge –but it is so worth it. You can’t begin a new relationship with someone else before you develop a strong one with yourself and you can’t show someone else how to love you if you don’t know what you need. Remember that being alone is not the same as being lonely. Once I took time to understand that I was good enough all by myself, I no longer needed the approval of anyone else. My time spent alone was also the beginning of my spiritual path to self-love – giving me the opportunity to reconnect with my beliefs and to trust that all is happening as it should. Use your time alone to pray, meditate, and simply be.
- Focus on what you like about yourself.
Whoever said, “Stick and stones may break my bones but words can never hate me,” lied. Words hurt, but it is possible to overcome them. Have you ever taken a second to see how you are feeding your own mind and soul, daily? When I was putting up with snide remarks from my ex or even standing in the mirror judging myself, I was only making matters worse. I was once told that reality is a mirror of your thoughts. Be mindful of the things you tell yourself because negative thoughts manifest negative outcomes. I learned that instead of drowning in what you “can’t”, “aren’t” or “won’t ever be”, it’s best to begin telling yourself all that you are. Positive affirmations reinforce the new vision you have for your life and the way you’d like to treat yourself. They create an internal dialogue strong enough to fight off those harmful opinions. Write down positive thoughts or make a daily reminder to say, out loud, three positive things about yourself. We all seek love and acceptance, but the most important kind stems from self.
