One day, I woke up and I did a hard thing. A really hard thing. At first, I thought my normal panic attack would set in, then prompting me to renege on whatever decision I may have felt was impulsive. I have learned, being someone who can easily suffer from panic attacks and anxiety, I can easily be persuaded not to do something simply out of the fear that it will induce stress.
One day, I woke up, walked into my workplace, and just quite my job. Okay, I quit one job. One job that for a very, very long time has not given me any positivity, happiness, or anything but stress and a paycheck. Surprisingly enough, although my heart raced and my palms sweat, I had no panic attack. I didn’t die. And somehow the world was still spinning.
Months ago, I realized I was starting to feel…things. Feelings that felt like they belonged somewhere in the families of inadequacy, non-appreciation, and lack of desire. When I first started having these feelings, I told myself it would be okay and to deal with it. I suppressed these feelings, why? Well, because this is what adults do. Do a job they don’t like to pay their rent. Wake up every single day to do what must be done, no matter how miserable they may, in fact, be. And buy many drinks at happy hour.
Although I had repressed my feelings about a job in which I felt I was unappreciated and merely tolerated, I began to see after a while that my body was physically manifesting everything I was emotionally withholdingFor three weeks straight I hadn’t slept well a single night. I never had time with friends or family, but more importantly, I never even felt I was enjoying the day, but rather just going through the motions. During meditation one night, it hit me that while I slept, my brain was processing all my to do lists, disabling me of resting and recharging. My mind was literally working extra hours outside of the 40 hour work shift I gave myself. My brain was literally working itself to death.
So one morning, I woke up with an affirmation to myself that I can and will make my own truth. It was time to give up that which wasn’t giving me anything important and instead write for myself what I thought I needed. What I wanted. The best part was I still had one job that did in fact me happy and would pay enough for all my bills to be taken care of.
Sometimes you will try to operate your life in the realm of what everyone else is doing, what they think of you, and how that sways how you think of yourself. I forgot for a second that I am a misfit, and being a misfit, I am not made to fit in normal society. I learned that even means when it comes to work environments. Although I don’t necessarily know what the next year or 5 years mean for me, I do know that I possess the right talents and gifts to create what I need for myself, thereby asserting myself to the highest power to then help others. See what I’m saying? Be unapologetically true to you and what you want from life. Pat yourself on the back when you do something that helps you progress, even if it pisses someone else off. Oh well, they will be alright. You, however, will never be if you don’t see the beauty in making each day a day to improve.
So do it. Whatever it is, Misfit. They’re waiting for you.
