We’ve all been there. One day in a coffee shop, perhaps Starbucks, ordering your favorite drink when all of a sudden you notice him across the room: tall, dark hair, embezzled in his own drink and perhaps a morning paper. He looks up, you guys catch gaze and the rest is history.
Haha, okay I lied. Most of us don’t get that picture-perfect fairytale meeting of our spouses, but we’ve all had that moment when we’re overcome with a sense of longing to meet them when we do stumble on them. However, that sense of longing and feeling can begin to fade overtime (or what many people call the end of the honeymoon stage), especially when you learn that you guys weren’t as compatible as you once thought you were.
That can be a sucky feeling and time. Unfortunately it hits hard sometimes, when one person tries to hang on while the other has emotionally let go and is beginning to move on with their life while they are still there. Relationships are not always fun. In fact, it’s almost like always having to deal with your best friend, but sometimes things aren’t destined to last forever and sometimes things are. That’s just the way it works.
Sometimes you can love someone and yet you have to let them go. Whether they are toxic to you or you are toxic to them, if one party isn’t spiritually and emotionally nourishing the other to raise themselves each and every day to a standard of excellence, there’s going to come a point someone is going to want out. The sad reality about relationships and people are that if you don’t provide something to your spouse, there is no guarantee they won’t go out and find it with someone else. Not fair? Not at all. Possible? Surely. That’s why it’s so vital to have open communication with your spouse, constantly talking abut things you both can and can not contribute to the relationship. Everyone comes into a relationship with needs and wants. Sometimes you can fulfill someones wants but not their needs, and that doesn’t work.
At the same time, someone should not be a placeholder in your life. A misfit or not, you are worthy and capable of being loved and loving someone without having to be strung/string people along. Have the strength to release someone/move on if you see a relationship on its dying legs. It’s not fair and you will spend time and energy stressed to preserve and revitalize something when sometimes it’s better to just pronounce it dead and move on. Will it hurt? Possibly. Especially if there is still love there. I am not a believer (and this is personal opinion) of saying that as long as two people love each other they can make it work. Love and logic don’t always sit at the same table and hang out. Love doesn’t always see what that person does to you emotionally or mentally. Love is a great thing, but nobody should love/be loved in doses. Some days good, some days bad.
On the other hand, don’t mistake occasional fights and disagreements as a sign that you two are destined to separate. Even the best couples have disagreements at times. It’s part of being human and being an individual with your own capacity to think and feel. The true test comes from just knowing WHEN it’s healthy fighting and when it’s not. If your partner has been hurt in the past (whether it’s because of someone else or because of something on your end), being a supportive partner is the only thing you can do. One must allot themselves time to heal, and even if that means being apart for a while, then so be it. A couple can not push forward while there is still hurt and pain there. It’s not going to work and one day it’ll cause a huge explosion because like a bandaid constantly being ripped off, a wound can’t heal if it’s always being poked at.
You may be thinking I’m fabricating, but let me break it down for you, 90’s style: I honestly thought me and my boyfriend were going to end. We were always fighting, never understood where we were coming from, and despite our understanding of our VERY different pasts, we couldn’t come to a middle ground. However, it took one day where we both realized…this really could be it, that we realized many of the things we make problems are not even worth making problems. We are not perfect, but we learned to tackle our problems in healthy, productive ways. It takes work to take care of something. But it is indeed possible. Now, we may not understand where we are coming from, but we give each other the respect and understanding to try to understand as well as tackle the problems together instead of attacking the PERSON. *hey boo, if you’re reading.
Relationships take work. Saying I’m sorry and learning when to take responsibility. If you do something wrong in the relationship, say you’re sorry. Work to correct small problems between you and your spouse, because sometimes the small cracks can turn into ditches quickly. At the same time, do not ignore the huge red flags that may become apparent simply because you think they are cute or that they care about you. Anyone who is truly invested in you and respects themselves will not play games with you or your heart. They will not lie or make excuses for their behavior. They will take responsibility for what they need to do, and NEVER get in a relationship with someone until they are fully ready to commit to you and vice versa. So many times we think we are ready to commit, but we only end up hurting the one’s we love because we’ve never had to tackle some of the adult things asked of us when it comes to monogamous relationships. If you’re not ready for that? That’s perfectly okay. For whatever reason, people think not being ready for a relationship is a sign of weakness. If it is even simply for the reason you just want to be selfish with yourself and your own time, embrace it. There will come a point you will be ready, they will be ready, and maybe then it’ll work.
Last but not least, listen to God. If you don’t believe in him or in a higher being, you can’t deny the universe returns back to those what they give to it. Listen to it and follow its rhythm, for there will always be a flag of some sort that will eventually make itself evident if that person is good for you or not. Listen. Do not be blinded by love, but rather evaluate if they contribute to you what God would want you to have. If they build you up and make you feel closer to God. If they are not pushing you closer to him, they are either allowing you to stay where you are (which is stagnation) or pushing you away (which is the opposite of your purpose). Allow Him to speak to you and if he says go, don’t stay for the convenience. While you allow them to take up space and energy in your life, your real person, the person whose going to push you toward the Master, is out there unable to change your life.
Cleanse yourself of any baggage you bring. We will all bring baggage, whether from family, life or just past relationships. Talk with your spouse and discuss what it is you struggle with. If they don’t help you work through it or even care, evaluate are they the one for you. The one for you won’t judge or make stupid social commentary on the things you’re struggling with inside and outside the relationship. They will instead help you get through it, better yourself from it, and show you the man upstairs who can deliver you from it. Once again, the person for you makes YOU a better person because they feed you more than just physically so that you can grow effectively.
Don’t mistake good sex for love or even compassion. Anyone can have sex. Don’t stay with him/her simply because they give you good sex or because you fear not having sex with anybody. Sex should not be the premise of your healthy relationship. Not casting judgement on any of those who just want to have sex with their partner, but I’m discussing relationships to foster for future goals/adventures/endeavors. Sex can bind you emotionally and blind you physically to problems, and sometimes when healing/starting over with someone, it’s best to stop the sex till you feel ready to move forward in the relationship.
Last, but not least, laugh. If your spouse can’t make you laugh, smile, encourage you about your goals or push you to pursue your dreams, they aren’t for you. No, you don’t need a parental figure pushing you every single second, but your spouse should be your biggest supporter. Your relationship should be part of your fan base and it should never die. Remember, what your spouse doesn’t give you/you don’t give them, will eventually be got somewhere else. Always support and even when things don’t work out, always support.
Push through fights, apologize, make up and realize why it happened and what to do from here. It’s always possible to keep things going, but make sure that there’s love there and not just an infatuation with the person or an idea of just not being single. There is nothing wrong with being single and there’s a beauty in both. Take the time to nurture the relationship because it is better to sit on time then temptation.
